Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*