Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

I had to Stop for this

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

How to properly lift a body

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.