Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen