*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
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I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours