Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

trivia

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!