Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
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Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My neck, my back, my…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
no refunds
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
incredible
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”