Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.