Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

ㅤ

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.