Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
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If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws