Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
You Might Also Like
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
New comic up. “Ransom”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.