Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
You Might Also Like
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo