Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
You Might Also Like
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
How do you milk an almond?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
If only
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.