Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
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First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project