Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
You Might Also Like
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Is….Is this an option?
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?