Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

Salad is the decaf of food.

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans