Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

I can’t stop laughing at this

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*