Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
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*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Leviticus 20:13 legalises gay marriage and marijuana:
“If a man lays with another man he should be stoned”.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.