Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
three things we don’t talk about
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Ferrari squats
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
always be there
