Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
