Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are