Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.