Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
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Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.