Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

Animal poetry

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

I am, perchance

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.