Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
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really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs