Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
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You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
buys donuts instead
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾