Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”