Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

never stops being funny

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

Name this drama.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard