Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
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“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??