Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
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[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
🙋♀️
me when i see my girls butt
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
