Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived