Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

TODAY

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”