Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
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Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
new shirt idea
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.