@Jandalize

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

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@abu29ine

stop asking me ‘wyd’ i am literally at home reliving the same day every day

@khachapurim

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

@tracietom

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

@PavelASamsonov

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

@mommajessiec

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

@msevilroyslade

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

@fanofhell

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

@NickSwardson

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

@OBiiieeee

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no