Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

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stop asking me ‘wyd’ i am literally at home reliving the same day every day


I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park


My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.


It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”


Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.


Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.


[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]


*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*


You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.


[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no