Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
You Might Also Like
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years