Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
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My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.