Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.