Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
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Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
(Gaming support cat.)
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.