Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
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I hate when that happens.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?