Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
You Might Also Like
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Spring cleaning checklist…
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
What
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in