Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
when unicorns get really drunk
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
