Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
