Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
you could not pay me to delete this app
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
