Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

*gets down on one knee*

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

This classic never gets old . . .

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.