Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
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Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Hmm, not sure about this change
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
how was your vacation
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Cats (2019)
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
The photographer’s assistant