Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
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Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Netflix and awkward silence?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*