Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
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Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /