Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

just having fun

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.