Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?