[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
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almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Coffee is ready.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it