Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’