[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
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The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?