Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

the three branches of government

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids