Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

This is the one

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.

-me sharing my fries

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.