*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
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It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.