*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
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In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
We know he can swim but…
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do