Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”

“no, what’s it called?”

“the Nu variant”

“yeah what’s it called”

“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”

“haha wow, who named it that?”

“yes”

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?