Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

A family that plays together cheats.

j o i m p

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”