[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
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How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
*bites zombie*
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now