*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
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My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.