*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
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How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”