*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
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Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
my fav colour is also hitler
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”