*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
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(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.