Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

how to market bottled water to dads

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

Saturday

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel