“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
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We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
#parenting
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Venn
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”