“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Tough love is true love
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Why I divorced her.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.