Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.