Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
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😂😂😂
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
is this a threat
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Natural selection at its finest
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later