Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
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He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
From my Mom
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.