Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
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Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Haha good job!!
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
every college guy’s fridge
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight