Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
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How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Does this dress make me look cat?
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I’m putting together a team
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.