Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
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I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.