Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
You Might Also Like
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Spell check is for lasers.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!