Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.