(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
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Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Happy Thanksgiving
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”