Raisins are grape jerky.
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If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.