Raisins are grape jerky.
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I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
tell em, edith-anne
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW