Raisins are grape jerky.
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Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
*frowns in Scottish*
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.