Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
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Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.