Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

We have haunted loft which is problem attic.

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

Name another movie that mislead you?

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

roman lesbians: *caesaring*