Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
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“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Name another movie that mislead you?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
roman lesbians: *caesaring*