Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
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What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
PER MY LAST EMAIL
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites