Her: I’m going to the gym
Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
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Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
*Unpacks 60 items of groceries onto checkout area*
CHECKOUT GIRL: I have a boyfriend.
ME: Oh, OK.
*slowly repacks trolley*
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
It’s like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand
LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand
JUDGE: damn lol