Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

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Her: I’m going to the gym

Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine


Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant


Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.


[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders


Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really



*Unpacks 60 items of groceries onto checkout area*

CHECKOUT GIRL: I have a boyfriend.

ME: Oh, OK.

*slowly repacks trolley*


Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.


It’s like nobody at this restaurant appreciates my dramatic reading of the menu.


I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.


LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand
LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand
JUDGE: damn lol