Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
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I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
getting corrected
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’